I am realizing lately that its really very hard for me allow people closest to me to be upset with me. Some how I can be angry at something, but as soon as I've caused a problem especially when it points to an insecurity I deal with I imediately start feeling scared and alone. passive agressive? you bet. It scares me to think i do this subconsciously but hopefully writting this out will help me to recognize this when it happens. all i want is to know that people are fullfilled when I am around. I dont want to be seen as someone you cant do fun stuff around either. I have a view of what I want in life. what kind of person i should marry and what things I should do in order to be effective. In all honesty its absurd. It's also foolish to wait around for someone to compliment your encouragement when you offer it up. let me say not becuase they wont say they appreciate it, but because I should not encourage people just so I can receive encouragement. That is so selfish and absolutely foolish. It is not the life I am called to and my views on that life must change. I must learn surrender in the deepest parts, allowing others to be upset with me is just the begining. i must lay in harms way, feel insecure and take it. I see that I am nothing in my fear. I doubt what others say in kindness. I hoard affection from people and wont let them love others at my worst moments. This hell that I live in is hindering my service to others who need life and especially love. Is this not everything I am called to do? its so very simple when we lean on the arms of christ to fill our hearts with love, not our intellect or consicous thought. God revives my heart for you who reads this, to the ones around me as I write this, and those who I know most intimately. I love you and I see my sin affects you. it affects me. let me surrender and lean into the love of my precious savior. and let his hands warm my face.