So its been a while.
Partially because I don't really like blogs, but mostly because I cant make sense of much these days. I just saw the movie "rent" with tate. I feel like there was this aching deep within my heart for the characters in this play. I feel like so much meaning was placed in my life long ago and I have spent the last few years trying to forget it. Blaming all my regrets on a blanket selfishness. It's easy to do. I haven't figured all this out yet, and I know I never truly will, but there is something is so rich in meaning when I look back on all the torment and suffering my heart has been through. I block a lot of it out and I try to look only to the future, not allowing myself to be redefined by the times when christ was there and I never knew it. I am encompased....wait no, I am enveloped by his love. Hanging from a rope, I was held up by his arms. Throwing up, eyes shot with blood from rage against my body, he leaned with me.
When I place my hands on my arms and legs, uncovering scars from punishement, I see his arms bleeding too. I look at so much I cant, not yet, reveal and I weep that he was there. That he cared when all I was was dying.
I somehow think that God has come into my life and it actually started somewhere. Did he not make me from the begining? and watch my every thought and movement? Did he not hold me then? With all my heart I believe that He watched me break his heart over and over and over again. I dont want to forget the life that I have led, but I long to look at it with renewed eyes. I long to rememeber that which I have long since forgotten. He has loved me at my darkest. he bore my darkest with me.