I am tired and I am sorry. I wish I could believe that you love me. I wish I could believe that im accepted and that you have more patience than I give you credit for. but in all of this i know its the road that we walk in order to find ourselves. To find who we think we could be if we could just have another try.

when I think of the chinese, my heart cries inside of me. So much emotion I cannot explain. I'm not sure I want to try to explain it. There is peace and joy when I consider all that is to be done. I will sing for their surrender.

I feel like my heart is being tested right now. The reality sets in. Im aware of the measure of faith it is going to take for me to leave a beautiful wonderful safe place, to go to colorado and serve east asia. I would be lying if I said i wasn't afraid. Im scared to death. I have been scared because I have had little promise of support, But I recognize that this is not about safety in support, but about reckless abandon for the only one who my heart longs to please. Tears fill my eyes due to the savior who left heaven to become like me. He gave up everything and became homeless. The father has called me not to prosper but to be obedient. Everything in me says "go". So with a promise from christ that the father will take care of me I will pack my things, and bless his name as best as I can.

I just heard from patty at omf and she mentioned to me that mark the director had wanted to talk with her about alternate plans to get me out to colorado. very strange indeed. I had left a message for mark about my heart for sept 28. It has come to me that I must go regardless of the support that is promised. I feel like those around me, the many who I have come into contact with- need inspiration. There are so many resources and wonderful people, what they need to see is someone to take a risk...to inspire them to embrace that which is unknown and so powerful. To watch someone close to them give total control to the loving father.

I long to wrap my feable arms around the waste of my father and hang on for dear life. Chasing after that which sets me free. I long for so many in east asia to hear about the promise of love. to be drunk with the spirit of the living God. I want so much for them to see that there is no hope in the wors hip of ancestors, and in materialism.

Oh! To see the millions understand jesus. To give hope to the hopless and watch the father fill their eyes with tears. The harvest is so plentiful.

I just got a chance to break and go walk outside this morning. It's amazing to me that the time I spend standing apart of creation and breathing the air makes me feel closer to God.

I was thinking the other evening outside on the back porch. Maybe I was just listening. Prior feelings had left me feeling detached and disinterested in christianity... I know that it's not that I lost interest and love who God is to me, but I felt that everything that I loved...hiking, painting or writting songs felt so forced when I tried to consciously tie my religion into it. I listened to some music that really made me stop and let it all go. I realized that those john wayne stories or the climbing everest stories, Those stories of leaving to chase after your heart longing must be of God. Not head knowledge though. I've heard the nonsense and I've read the wild at hearts' but nothing seemed more genuine than just being alive and learning to give myself up to what is embedded deep inside me. Trusting that it will all play out for the better and people will find peace when they are ready. I think i just understood that it was ok to stop and just do what calls me deeply.

當 叫 眾 人 知 道 你 們 謙 讓 的 心 。 主 已 經 近 了 。

let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.