I feel like I can no longer ignore
and I can no longer feel the way I have
Its not ok that we ignore
the lives that are lost every day
the deaths that take place
and the darkness that covers us.

I have lived believing
us vs. them
I have believed its ok to look past the pain
of a world begging for forgiveness.
Oh please dont forget me....
Oh please dont look past me
because of my ignorance,
Please dont leave me here
I need you and I love them.

I am broken this evening...by the past that is before me and the life that I have lived as I fall down again, again and again.

I am wrong
I am the problem
that look in your eyes breaks my heart.
I have broken the beautiful
I have run away
your words are true
I am wrong
I'm the problem
But I cant stop loving you

If to watch me hurt
you find peace
for what I am my fathers have done
then hurt me so bad
and watch me die
and know that I love you
I beg don't ask why.

I dont know really what to feel anymore. I see how the I and the western man have caused so many aweful things to happen before and even now. I am tired of being defensive. I am tired of fighting for something I no longer believe in. I just want to fall apart and admit I am the problem, that I am the problem and i dont have an answer. But I have in my heart this breaking that says I will die for you. I have in my heart the love I can not make. I have a desperate weeping inside me now that says I love you and im sorry that I have hurt you. I have wronged you and I would gladly let you burn me, make me suffer as I beg that I may receive a glimpse of how loving God has been to me. If you need to hurt me please do without hesitation and know that i will not stop loving you and I will not disagree with what you do. I honestly understand I deserve much much worse.

there is a tenderness today, and it has begun to well up in my soul. I have been rejuvinated by the patience and persistence of christ. I heard a song by a friend of mine today that reminded me of that still soft voice that calls me to the wild. I am devestated and inspired by the life he is calling me to live.