I feel a lot. I feel sometimes so much it becomes a hinderance. I miss everyone I ever pushed away tonight.

my heart is breaking again tonight. I am so broken by the thought that Im wasting one of the greatest things that has ever come my way. im tired and I feel alone and alive. Like no one knows. I am so sad its killing me inside. How do you sit and watch the rain like everything is ok? Why is my heart so hard? oh i dont know why this hurts so much.
I wish I could understand why all this happens the way it does, but I have to continue my silent breaking heart. I have to give myself over for the better.