I am letting my heart weigh on my shoulder.
This is so hard, to come alive.
To forget all the things I've tried to be.
I guess I've had control.
I'm learning letting go.

The sun shines so bright here. Where I breathe and It matters, but in a different way. It feels like Im needed here. Not to feel important or significant, but because I'm apart of what is larger. The breath from my lungs feeds the trees. The sun needs me to absorb its glorious rays. I give it purpose. These people need to see me smile. They dont need my words. They dont need some foolish thought disguised as wisdom. None of these people even know my name. and here I am to make this place a little brighter. I never knew I was important.

Its so very hard to see the other side
where i mean more than I think.
Just me, Just me,
Who I was made to be
with out answers
or contributions.
Without exchange
as a stranger
trying so hard to make an end.

Its strange to think that your an answer
to a prayer, wish or dream
that graced someone whom youve never met,

that the end of the day
you find yourself wonderful
no matter what you say.

Ive woven these thoughts
into a void of a wind
and theres nothing left for me
at all to give.

Ive made up my mind
that Im going to die
and theres nothing that I can defend
in the distance Im bound
with a joy and a sound
that means more than anything to me

Till you take me home
and sing me a song
and tell me im wonderful
anyway

Maybe theres life today
in this world, if I may
maybe theres pain if you would
more than Ive understood
when ive even forgotten to pray

Then you take me home
and sing me a song
and tell me im wonderful
anyway

"And life is good, something I always knew but I just never understood..."
-Andrew Peterson
"Love and Thunder"

Overwhelmed by thought and consequence, I have found great joy in stillness. This is most indefinitely tied to the fact I can not reach it on my own. When it rises and falls and makes new my heart I am amazed. I find myself neglecting the search for wisdom and intellect for a simple delicate desire to live in the light of who God made me to be. To be awakened to life with simple purpose and fierce passion. I want no longer to think of the insecurities and worries of seeming young and vulnerable, and run against the wind into a world of heavenly lights. Open arms and eyes closed, abandoning all fear. The tears will fall and I will be alive once again.

"Jenny, I believe that God has made me for a purpose and he made me fast. And when I run I feel his pleasure!" Eric Liddell -Chariots of Fire

Here's my heart for this matter. I feel like my world is coming to a halt. I never thought I'd have to live life without her. I pray that I may have the grace and love to offer her, that she may never see anything but Christ in all that I do. I pray that the peace that reaches beyond understanding may comfort the two of us. I thank the Lord that he has broken my heart instead of hers. Oh God I don't want to do this without her. If this is your will, in my broken understanding, I give her back to you. Every gratitude I have ever offered to you falls so short here compared to that which I have for having known her. For the season she held in my life, I saw a flower more beautiful that I ever imagined bloom. But without withering away, I closed my eyes and she was gone. To remain beautiful and loved without end.

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I get to thinking every once in a while about how much I miss solitude. How much I can feel its vast spaces creep into my crowded life. I miss that feeling of the coming fall. Where I can smell the cold as it makes its way in on the 7 oclock train, delicate and on time. Taking walks beside still flowers and ivy on the building walls. For some strange reason I've learned to associate this with solitude. It goes to say that in those times I love more. I love people more and feel connected to them. I feel like when they cry I want to cry. I do not understand this thought process, but I find myself ok with not knowing.

Let my breath be your breath

and your tears be mine.